Being with your parents can sometimes bring you (well, me) back to your anxious teenage years. The mother-daughter relationship is known to be particularly complex, but any relationship between an adult child and his or her parents has the potential to cause some feeling. After all, there’s a reason parent-child baggage is the stuff of Greek mythology, Shakespeare tragedy, and countless pop psychology clichés that blame parents.
It makes sense why you sometimes find yourself a little runny at your parents after high school – maybe you suddenly hang up on them, bang Close the door with a bang, or speak to them in a tone you’ve never used with others. But that doesn’t mean it feels good when it happens.
Of course, anger or resentment towards a parent may be a legitimate response – to abuse, emotional neglect and/or for example, when you were growing up, certain needs were not met Satisfy. (If you’re constantly arguing with your parents about these issues, talking with a therapist may be more helpful than the suggestions below.) But what if you feel guilty about your reaction to well-meaning parents who only they can do way to press your button? We asked family relations expert Amanda White, a licensed therapist and executive director of the Women’s Healing Center in Philadelphia, for her best advice.
Try not to beat
“Usually when we act like a jerk to someone, we The first thing to do is start judging yourself,” White said. After a fight with your mom, you might think, what a kid you are! Or, what’s wrong with you? ! The problem is, beating yourself up often makes it harder to correct the situation: “It’s more likely to get you into a stigma spiral where you feel bad about yourself and then find it harder to take responsibility for your actions,” explains White.
Instead, she recommends practicing a little self-compassion by putting your own actions in perspective. “Remember, no one is perfect, and sometimes we’re jerky with the people we love, especially our parents. It doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you human,” White said. Whenever you’re making yourself sad for not being so nice to someone you love, she advises saying to yourself, “I can’t expect to be perfect, but when I make a mistake.”
It is also helpful to determine if you are feeling guilty or ashamed. According to White, guilt feels like you made a mistake, while shame feels like you are a mistake . “Guilty reminds you that your actions are inconsistent with your values, and shame, that you feel powerless to change – you think, this is me , and it deprives you of future The ability to choose differently,” she said. In other words, figuring out whether the source of your regret is guilt or shame can greatly affect your ability to take positive steps forward.
ReflectionWhyYour reaction is this way.
White recommends that you take a few minutes to think about your feelings and motivations for what happened to your parents (documenting it can help, she says). “Curious why you’re a kid,” White suggested. “Did you notice any patterns in fights? What were the common themes?” If the situation came up more like “I’m a bad guy doing this,” try to reframe those thoughts with facts: “I did [insert] rude behavior], but I wish I didn’t.”
