Like many people with eating disorders, my feelings about myself have become a mess. There is an unhealthy delicacy in the early stages of rapid weight loss. People were like, wow! And then it quickly became, how are you? My friends and family were freaking out and I ignored it. They’ll say, is this an ADHD drug? I’m very protective of my meds, I rationalize it by telling myself it’s helping me focus which in turn helps me build a life outside of my looks. Eating disorder therapists would later tell me that the smaller you are, the bigger you feel. How twisted is this?
While I reveled in my deformity and showed it off on Instagram, my dad struggled quietly. There are various cognitive tests being done, but we don’t have an acronym yet. I managed to get an epidural on my central daddy sensory tube; the good ones weren’t there, nor were the bad ones. But I remember one moment that made me miserable: 2021 I was at a wedding on Martha’s Vineyard in the summer when the father of the bride gave a touching speech. All of a sudden, I realized I would never have that moment where my dad talked about what I would look like as an adult at my wedding. This is devastating. I left the table, went outside, and wept in the bushes. Yet I still focus on my body. By spring of 2022 I weighed approximately 84 lbs. I am always cold. I called the mobile IV team to come to my house and I couldn’t walk around my LA neighborhood for fear of not having a place to sit and catch my breath.
) That night, I lay in bed and thought, what if my dad was his complete self, seeing how big I was? what will he do I don’t think he’s going to let it happen. While my sisters and my mother had these extensive tool kits—lots of psychoeducation and people skills—my dad was never so interested in, and scrutinized by, root causes. Maybe he’s the stereotypical father of a certain generation, a man of action, and if he’d gotten it, he’d probably have picked me up and said, “It’s over now.” His style has always been to plug holes, even if he’s not sure why it happened loophole. There are benefits to the exams of course, but there is an aesthetic in his way that I don’t think I noticed until he was no longer capable.
What actually happened was last June my boyfriend aka my fiancé dumped me and my family stepped in like before and sent me to Dirk Driftwood Recovery, Saskatchewan. I went through various therapies, my medications were adjusted, and I got a new diagnosis: borderline personality disorder, a disorder that impairs the ability to regulate emotions and find stability in relationships. When I left Texas in October, I felt much better. I realized that what I wanted was not just to be in harmony with my body, but to be in harmony with my family — stop worrying about them, and put my sisters and parents at ease. A lean body doesn’t do that. For years, I felt the pressure of people worrying about me, and it brought me to my knees.
