what When it comes to minds, we are all beginners. However, some of us at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye,
Dear Shaw kindness,
My long-term partner and I recently broke up amicably. We both agreed that the decision was for the best, even though I initiated it, and said we would keep the lines of communication open. But things started to take a turn for the worse. I got some hostile messages from them at odd times, which resulted in some harrowing interactions. I don’t want to hurt them any further and am not sure if I have the ability to cut all ties (especially if quitting certain channels would trigger some angry messages). We are all willing to maintain friendship in the future. What is the best practice?
Yours,
can call whatever you want, but no one goes home
Honey Can be on call, but don’t have a home,
You seek advice on how to handle contact with your ex after a breakup. Your letter mentions “cutting all ties” as an option you are reluctant to consider. From that, I’m assuming you’ve googled some advice, maybe tears at 1am, and other searches like “how long does it take to end a breakup”, “friendship with my ex”, “ex misses me”, or, as in Once I type, “Break up pain I will die”? You’ll find stock advice to “don’t contact” your ex and cut off all lines of communication during this time after separation.
The problem with stock advice is that many of us, even in our heartbreak disorientation, secretly think of ourselves as emotionally complex people with more skill and poise than the general public. Our special relationship with a particular ex is different, more complicated, and you won’t understand. In a word, “no contact” doesn’t help. With the vague echoes of Night Mode or Do Not Disturb, it appears to apply a recording of tech-driven, semi-automated professional interactions to your grief. There is no doubt that this is sadness. While many of us know the pain of losing love, our culture greatly reduces the damage of losing love.
you Not that you still love your ex or not, but given the friendly separation you describe, I’d be surprised if some traces of love, regrets, and even the secret hope of an eventual reunion still haunt you. It’s important to be honest about these things. Emotional meaning cannot be interrupted abruptly, like a favorite lipstick.
Grieving for lost love is a war between old and new hope.
You worry that a complete disconnection from your ex will hurt them further. However, you need to be aware that in grief, the healthiest steps often seem counterintuitive. The late Hilary Mantel wrote so well about how moving on from loss often feels disrespectful: “Recovery seems like a betrayal. Passionately, you long for a return to the lost object the way, but the only possible way, the way to life, will take you.”
Lost love, like other forms Like grief, it’s a war between old and new hopes inside of you. Friendship may be possible, but right now, you have no way of knowing if it will actually enrich the new life you’re starting as all friendships do, or if your longing for it is just a call from those old ghosts still haunting your house.
I guess your ex had a similar war going on in them. It looks like you’ve gotten some friendly attacks in this angry, misleading message from them. I could put myself in the shoes of an ex who could easily get out of hand on innocuous things. One of my exes once texted me out of the blue that he was “proud” of me, and I got so pissed that I considered throwing a chair out the window. He thought he was expressing a constant, longing admiration for me. All I heard was a comforting story of his own breakup. He said he was proud; I heard he was safer looking at me from a distance than loving me up close. To him, I’m sure I look crazy, but, as an ex, our wires are now often crossed.
Your letter to me expresses a concern and concern for your ex, but that concern is best shown through firm boundaries now. You don’t want to know about the hurtful things they said at the party, their weekend bounce-back sex, the new romance in their life. Silence should include direct communication as well as indirect communication such as watching Instagram Stories. I do this strictly during a breakup, pretending the person has been abducted by aliens, and clearing all WhatsApp chats and evidence of their camera roll to help dispel that illusion. Is this at all possible in your case? Unlikely, but doing your best is enough for now. I am now repeating your late night Google search results and telling you again to politely disconnect, for your own heart.
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