However, what is touched on in this episode of Sex and the City is a fundamental truth about dating, an ever-present anxiety that everyone— Model or mortal – feeling: you are ugly. Once your partner realizes this, they will leave you. Even the girls on “Sex and the City”
felt it: they were sitting around, drinking, playing cards, and talking about all the things they hated about themselves. If you’re reading this and never felt that way, good for you. But you can be bad in bed. (More on that later.)
Indeed, this idea of a “violent assault” – or having a “hot” in any sexual or romantic dynamic — could be devastating. Deification and subjugation, objectification and humiliation, only heats up when both parties have agency in the dynamic, and when both parties agree that it works.
But take my nine-year relationship as an example. By society’s standards, there’s one of us (he) who’s usually sexier. He has tight abs, a big ass and a beautiful smile. When he opened Grindr, the news flooded in. When I opened up — let’s say I’m in my fiery phase, which I think might last another three months — it was crickets. there is nothing. Probably a catfish some 67 km away using my real face as their profile picture “hi” (true story). But, more detrimental to our relationship than our differences in the 1 to 67 range is the number I think matters.
Internalized food culture, celebrity culture and the overwhelming judgment of social media makes me question, at some point, why would someone like him be with someone like me together. In virtually every relationship or friend I’ve ever had, my internalized belief that I was the lesser of two hot spots has turned out to be untenable. The difference with this man who married me is that he doesn’t believe it. He was dealing with a series of internalized deficiencies in the same way I was.
The best relationships, long term or short term, see equal and different given by both parties. One-way dynamics in one area of a relationship—whether it’s about who cleans the apartment, who pays for drinks, who gets checked the most on the street—are okay as long as there are other one-way dynamics that create a kind of balance. We give what we have, and we get what we need.