For many years, I have been studying emotional intelligence, the ability to understand and manage emotions. In doing so, I learned some important lessons.
One of the most important lessons: despite years of research and learning, it’s still easy to make the same mistakes, over and over.
That is, unless you find a way to break the habit of making permanent decisions based on temporary emotions.
and the best way?
Follow the “rules”.
The rules of emotional intelligence, ie. These are not hard and fast rules; they are more like principles or guidelines. You can use these principles at work and at home to help you avoid getting into situations you don’t want to get into. When you’re in a complicated, tricky situation, these rules can help you find your way out.
Take the following five rules as an example. Use them to guide your behavior, and you’ll find that you’re better able to understand and manage your own emotions, and even those of others.
(If you find value in these ten rules, you might be interested in a complete emotional intelligence course – which includes each of these rules and ten more Rules. Check out the full lesson here.)
The Blue Dolphin Rule
In psychology, the “white bear” problem (also known as the irony of process theory), says that when you try to suppress certain thoughts, often you actually increase their frequency. The concept takes its name from a century-old article by Russian author Fyodor Dostoevsky, who suggested that if you try not to think about a white polar bear, then you will Think of this.
So, how do you conquer your white bear? You need a blue dolphin.
The blue dolphin is an alternative thought, and if you think of a white bear, you can immediately turn your attention to it.
If your white bear character is that whenever you have to give a speech or public speaking, you think, “don’t be nervous”, you can replace it with a blue dolphin and tell yourself mentally : “I’m so excited. It’s going to be awesome.”
Right now, you’re taking a potential negative—your nervous energy—and turning it into a positive.
The law of awkward silence
The law of awkward silence is simple: face to face When it comes to a challenging question, you don’t answer, you stop and think deeply about how you want to answer it.
But this is not a short pause. You may have to wait 5, 10 or even 15 seconds (or longer) for a response. If you’re not used to doing this, it can feel awkward at first.
This rule is a great tool for critical thinking. But it’s much more than that.
When you are faced with a challenging problem or under pressure, it is easy to lose control of your emotions and say things you don’t want to say.
But when When you get into the habit of pausing before answering, you take control. You give yourself time to think about the problem. You increase your confidence and become more sure of what you mean and what you say.
Simple rules for scope
In project management terminology, “scope” Used to describe the details of the job involved, and the time and effort required to complete the job. As you can imagine, whether on a complex project or even a small set of tasks, defining the scope is extremely important.
Suppose you continue to take on too much, thinking, “Oh, I’ll get used to it somehow.” You think time will magically appear, Or the job will somehow do itself…
On the contrary, when you define your scope correctly, you reduce stress and help life go more smoothly.
Nobody love to receive critical feedback. But we all need it – it’s one of the best ways to learn and grow.
I like to compare critical feedback to freshly mined diamonds. That stone may be unsightly to the naked eye; but when cut and polished, its value is evident.
Criticism is like that unpolished diamond: it’s ugly – at first. But most of the time, the ugliness will be rooted in the truth. Even if it’s not, it can still help you improve – because it can help you better understand how other people see your work and allow you to adapt if necessary.
You can benefit more from criticism by becoming a diamond cutter to get feedback. You need to turn an unpolished rough diamond into something beautiful – by turning criticism into a learning experience.
Torecenterer means to make yourself (your mind and emotions) to refocus. This includes taking the time to reiterate your main goals, values, and key principles—even listing them in writing—and then centering on those to help you focus your thoughts and emotions.
This is necessary because we are surrounded by so much noise. So many voices tell us how to think or what to do.
But by taking the time to reiterate and write down the things that are important to you— you can’t help but slow down and put your ideas to bring back to your center. Psychology tells us that controlling our thoughts allows us to exercise a certain degree of control over our emotions.
These are just some of the rules you learned, but hopefully you can find value in all of them. I use these rules every day in my personal and professional life. I hope you can do the same.
Because, remember: emotional intelligence is a real journey, a lifelong one.
It’s never too late to start.