Plus, she’s recently found the prevalence of non-monogamity — if not in practice, then certainly in application resumes — hard to avoid. “There are probably only three monogamous couples left in London,” she quipped. “And they’re both short.” She and Sean have a lot in common, and they share a similar sense of humor, so after a week of information exchanges, she’s excited to see him for a drink. The first date was fun, they shared a kiss and continued talking. After the second date, Sean returned to Kate’s house and they slept together. “About two in the morning, he turned to me and said, ‘By the way, my girlfriend and I have a rule that we can’t spend the night in someone else’s house.'” Sean’s boundaries and the comfort of his main partner, this “rule” “It never happened.
“He got up, got dressed, and left. I just lay in bed and it felt really…I mean, it affected me, mentally. I felt like I was being Take advantage,” Kate told me. Worst of all, she noted, she felt unable to express her discomfort. “I don’t think it’s logical for me to feel taken advantage of because he’s been frank about having a major partner – and being accountable to that guy…but he never said he wouldn’t stay overnight if he had , I would not have had sex with him.” After that, Sean’s communication slowed, he became avoidant or unresponsive, and eventually told her that he had decided not to see the same person again for the sake of his primary relationship. “It was as if he was using all this language about empathy and openness — about getting people ‘ethically’ — to lure me into a false sense of security about how he would treat me. Then, as soon as we had sex, He just used his non-monogamous status to absolve himself of any responsibility for me. I’d rather he just say, “Sorry, I don’t like this anymore.” “Instead, I feel that the injury is my own fault because that’s what I signed up for.”
For Leanne Yau – a non-monogamous educator and Poly Philia For the founders of Poly, this is a platform that provides digestible information on poly best practices – the exact opposite of what the poly lifestyle is about. She started our conversation by emphasizing “I have a lot to say about this issue.” Yau has been advocating for the community for years, fed up with the influx of people choosing non-monogamous language, but never trying to understand the theory behind it. “Unfortunately, a lot of people have started to confuse polygamy with being single and casual dating,” she said. “However, being polygamous or morally non-monogamous implies responsibility and accountability to your partner: you include them in your decisions, consider their feelings, stay committed to them and respect their boundaries You try to be open, honest and compassionate with them – it’s not just about reading someone’s right and then doing whatever you want.”