When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye. Contact her at [email protected] for your own chance at enlightenment.
Dear Shon,
The last year or so has been plagued by an intense, messy situationship that became an intense, messy friendship with frequent relapses into the former category. Throughout, I wanted some sort of reliability or commitment from my ex that she simply wasn’t willing to give, whether as a lover or a friend. I cut contact completely after one disappointment too many.
We’ve taken different approaches since then. I’ve been leaning into my hobbies, learning to love my own company and time spent with close friends. I’ve even moved to a bigger city for work and a brighter future. She, on the other hand (from occasional glimpses in nightclubs and often unwanted reports from mutual friends), has been sleeping around and dating. I’m struggling with feelings of envy about this. The beautiful person who broke my heart gets the pick of the litter in her love life, effortlessly attracting others. I, on the other hand, have essentially no love or sex life anymore, both because I am chubby and less conventionally attractive than her and because I am less willing to open my heart to others for fear of getting hurt again. I feel better alone but can’t shake these feelings of envy and inadequacy. How can I stop feeling like the ugly ex?
Yours sincerely,
Another sapphic lady with a dated hairstyle
Dear sapphic lady with a dated hairstyle,
First things first—tell those mutual friends to stop giving you their little reports on this woman! It is extremely unhelpful. The truth is your friends’ speculation and glimpses in clubs do not provide you with direct insight into your ex’s state of mind, and in any event, her state of mind is none of your business. Instead, all you have is your own imagination, and you are using it to be cruel to yourself. You imagine she is having fabulous dates and wild sex while you sit at home binge-watching trash TV alone. The reality is probably less stark. In our society, we tend to assume the person who returns to dating and sex most quickly after a relationship ends has moved on more quickly, but these behaviors can just as equally be a sign a person is averse to confronting deeper issues. All is not necessarily as it seems.
