If Hollywood 2023 was a movie…

So it’s a two-person comedy, sort of like The King of Comedy meets The Odd Couple — but it’s in 3D, Like all movies these days, because Avatar: The Way of Water makes you forget that it’s nothing but Avatar Acting s.

We open with a shot of a crane in a crowded theme park. From the back, we see a man lined up with his four grandchildren, distressed because his Disney Genie+ card was marked as “inactive.” We took a closer look and it turned out to be former Disney CEO Bob Chapek (Dwayne Johnson pictured). When a Mickey Mouse actor poses for a photo with his grandkids, Chapek, who is stewing, looks away. His eyes fell on the Steamboat Willie poster. And, for the first time we see him smile. In 3D!

Chapek drops off his grandkids, then speeds across town, taking sharp turns around detours as all streets are blocked for seven different movies about the FTX scandal , all starring Jonah Hill.

Eventually, Chapek runs to It Chapter 3 scene where a man is making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and stacking them on a table . We see it’s Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav (Rick Moranis’ comeback character) working in craft services to make sure director Andy Muskietty brings the film to $ million. Considering all the buzz Dave Chappelle made for SNL opening monologue defending dogfighting, he also crossed out all references to the guy who was hell bent on getting murdered for him The Puppy’s Revenge of the Children’s script page.

Chapek told Zaslav that midnight in December 12, the Mickey Mouse copyright has run out. He has a plan to get revenge on Bob Iger. It’s a movie called Mickey Mouse: Rodent’s Wrath .

They agreed to make this movie. The problem is, they need a star. Zaslav insisted that one of the jobs cost $38 One hour.

We cut to the Oscars ceremony, with Academy’s new president (and owner) Elon Musk Musk) will present all awards. When he announced Will Smith as best actor, Smith — who was banned, then unbanned, then re-banned from the ceremony — sent a hologram of Chris Rock instead To accept the award on his behalf. In 3D! (Rock decided not to prosecute.)

Chapek runs to the Tower Bar where Smith is giving his acceptance speech to drunk tourists. Chapek tried to convince Smith to star in Mickey Mouse: Rodent’s Wrath, but Smith declined, fearing to anger Iger.

Chapek leaves the restaurant when he finds Ezra Miller – who has been banned from all restaurants – berating the doorman. Chapek cast Miller as a serial killer in Rodent’s Wrath to help soften Miller’s image. They drove to Zaslav’s house.

When two executives teamed up with Miller to play his role, the producers received a news alert. Kim Jong-un issued a statement praising the WGA voting results: 87 percent of members agree to strike. They’ve got DGA and SAG-AFTRA on board. Miller is out.

Worse when it took the network six months to notice Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyer Their marketing plan for the film fell apart when Stuart was already stepped down from their jobs. Contract negotiations hampered their replacements, which was tricky because they were both replaced by Kevin Hart, who was only available during meal times. There’s no way Zaslav would pay the kind of ad rates demanded by She’s Fantastic Made of Plastic, the #1 podcast in the country, with the original cast reruns

Small Wonder.

mixed with reality show) White Lotus (because it has self-knowledge) and Love Island (because of sex) All the entertainment CEOs get drunk and flirt with each other until they’re all connected and paired with new conglomerates like DisFlix and AppleCast.

Patton Oswalt

comedian