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If Hollywood 2023 was a movie…

So it’s a two-person comedy, sort of like The King of Comedy meets The Odd Couple — but it’s in 3D, Like all movies these days, because Avatar: The Way of Water makes you forget that it’s nothing but Avatar Acting s.

We open with a shot of a crane in a crowded theme park. From the back, we see a man lined up with his four grandchildren, distressed because his Disney Genie+ card was marked as “inactive.” We took a closer look and it turned out to be former Disney CEO Bob Chapek (Dwayne Johnson pictured). When a Mickey Mouse actor poses for a photo with his grandkids, Chapek, who is stewing, looks away. His eyes fell on the Steamboat Willie poster. And, for the first time we see him smile. In 3D!

Chapek drops off his grandkids, then speeds across town, taking sharp turns around detours as all streets are blocked for seven different movies about the FTX scandal , all starring Jonah Hill.

Eventually, Chapek runs to It Chapter 3 scene where a man is making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and stacking them on a table . We see it’s Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav (Rick Moranis’ comeback character) working in craft services to make sure director Andy Muskietty brings the film to $ million. Considering all the buzz Dave Chappelle made for SNL opening monologue defending dogfighting, he also crossed out all references to the guy who was hell bent on getting murdered for him The Puppy’s Revenge of the Children’s script page.

Chapek told Zaslav that midnight in December 12, the Mickey Mouse copyright has run out. He has a plan to get revenge on Bob Iger. It’s a movie called Mickey Mouse: Rodent’s Wrath .

They agreed to make this movie. The problem is, they need a star. Zaslav insisted that one of the jobs cost $38 One hour.

We cut to the Oscars ceremony, with Academy’s new president (and owner) Elon Musk Musk) will present all awards. When he announced Will Smith as best actor, Smith — who was banned, then unbanned, then re-banned from the ceremony — sent a hologram of Chris Rock instead To accept the award on his behalf. In 3D! (Rock decided not to prosecute.)

Chapek runs to the Tower Bar where Smith is giving his acceptance speech to drunk tourists. Chapek tried to convince Smith to star in Mickey Mouse: Rodent’s Wrath, but Smith declined, fearing to anger Iger.

Chapek leaves the restaurant when he finds Ezra Miller – who has been banned from all restaurants – berating the doorman. Chapek cast Miller as a serial killer in Rodent’s Wrath to help soften Miller’s image. They drove to Zaslav’s house.

When two executives teamed up with Miller to play his role, the producers received a news alert. Kim Jong-un issued a statement praising the WGA voting results: 87 percent of members agree to strike. They’ve got DGA and SAG-AFTRA on board. Miller is out.

Worse when it took the network six months to notice Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyer Their marketing plan for the film fell apart when Stuart was already stepped down from their jobs. Contract negotiations hampered their replacements, which was tricky because they were both replaced by Kevin Hart, who was only available during meal times. There’s no way Zaslav would pay the kind of ad rates demanded by She’s Fantastic Made of Plastic, the #1 podcast in the country, with the original cast reruns

Small Wonder.

Then, in a montage homage to the Judy Garland-Mickey Rooney film, Zaslav and Chapek made the film themselves. And it was a success! Rodent’s Wrath brought in $7 million at the box office, making it the number one non-Avatar theatrical release of the year. Unfortunately, people love vindictive Mickey so much that he’s turned into a newborn Baby Yoda — but since Mickey Mouse is now in the public domain, everyone can use Chapek’s popular character as they please. Iger seized this and started marketing. Disney stock up 12 Percentages bring boys to theme parks with Rodent’s Wrath rides and sell the plastic used in Mickey’s machetes. Cut to us in 3D!

Iger thinks Chapek is a genius, takes him to his office, and hires him as his successor. Until Iger gets an alert on his phone. We fade out on Iger’s iPhone showing polls showing Biden trailing pointing to Ron DeSantis.

two people in beach chairs with Netflix and Disney towels draped on them

Illustration by Zohar Lazar

from your future blog

THR asks creatives to come up with a quick Ideas for movies set in not-too-distant industries (in fact, they’re all so dystopian not part of the assignment…but being told)

Damon Lindelof

Writer and Producer (Watchmen, The Leftovers)

Damon LindelofDamon Lindelof Razer Harrison/Getty Images

mixed with reality show) White Lotus (because it has self-knowledge) and Love Island (because of sex) All the entertainment CEOs get drunk and flirt with each other until they’re all connected and paired with new conglomerates like DisFlix and AppleCast.

Patton Oswalt


Patton Oswalt

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Dr. A . Strange Love style limited series about a crashing streamer announcing a “reboot” of a franchise that never existed and using existing social media (Twitter, YouTube, Insta) to start planting A “cut” of the franchise (a supernatural horror action-comedy) entered the popular mind, causing a widespread “false memory” of the beloved property ahead of the launch of a shiny new reboot. The thing is, they “memeticized” this false memory into people’s brains, triggering a massive Mandela effect where American society began to genuinely doubt recent history, resulting in an apocalyptic crisis.

Aisha Taylor


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In this outrageous sci-fi buddies romp, Kanye West and Elon Musk’s The online characters merge into a self-respecting auto-sentient Skynet, but their delusional fantasies of world domination are thwarted when a more powerful AI entity combines with Ali Wong’s impaired consciousness.

Jason Bateman


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In this Red Dawn With Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid frat comedy, the talent guild unites for a better newfound boom in VR Fees and Bryan Lourd and Ari Emanuel flying to the Sun Valley conference for some high-level shit-interfering with their big tech peers.

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Marvin Lemus

Director and Producer (Gentefied)Damon Lindelof

Rodney Rothman

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OneMad Max With Hellraiser dystopian sci-fi, Elon Musk bought Netflix because they canceled Wednesday after the second season. Elon then gave the green light no less than 12 script and docuseries explaining why Twitter’s demise wasn’t his fault.

Samantha Urby

comedy writer (like that)


Samantha Irby E. Jason Wambsgans/Chicago Tribune/Tribune News Service/Getty Images

Hackers meets Before Sunrise meets Robin Hood: Man in Tights. One about the hands of a couple of IT nerds who may or may not fall in love while saving all beloved shows that were unceremoniously removed from streaming services and burning them to DVD, then putting them in Random people’s mailboxes at night. Apparently the heads of the network wanted to hunt them down and break their fingers. Will they get caught before they get a chance to rummage through a bunch of Westworld scrapped episodes? ? ? Must see to know!

Rodney Rothman

Writer (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse)

Rodney Rothman

Rodney Rothman
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In this titled Untitled Tax Write-Off‘s suspenseful thriller, the film’s star (Mark Wahlberg) has 48 minutes for MrBeast to agree with him or his co-star the new boss will cancel Release of Untitled Tax Write-Off.

This story first appeared in December The Hollywood Reporter Magazine. 2049Click here to subscribe.



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