Friday, December 8, 2023
HomeFashion‘The Golden Bachelor’: 38 Thoughts I Had Watching the First Episode

‘The Golden Bachelor’: 38 Thoughts I Had Watching the First Episode

For someone who feels she knows every member of the Real Housewives of New York City cast as intimately as if they were family (#TeamUbah, by the way, but I digress), I’m surprisingly poorly versed in the Bachelor extended universe. I watched a few episodes of the last Bachelorette at a bar in Brooklyn with friends, but honestly, I’ve never been all that interested in the franchise—that is, until The Golden Bachelor came along. 

The premise of this latest installment is simple: 72-year-old “patriarch from Indiana” Gerry (pronounced Gary) Turner is searching for his partner in life, love, and brand-ambassador deals, choosing from a pool of women who are all 60 or older. This is the kind of TV experience I’ve been dreaming of ever since I tried to stir up romantic drama at my grandma’s retirement home (easier than you’d think, as seniors famously love mess), and now it’s actually here. Read all the thoughts I had about the first episode below:

  1. Okay, this man is pretty fine, in a retired-cop sort of way. (I.e. I’m not personally into it, but I could imagine that other people would be.)
  2. Not the monogrammed Dopp kit! Classy, TBH.
  3. A framed picture of his late wife? I’m sobbing.
  4. Oh God, they were high school sweethearts? Sobbing more.
  5. Shit, Gerry looked like Josh O’Connor when he was younger! Not bad.
  6. It kind of seems like this man is still actively grieving, which makes it…an interesting choice to look for a new wife on reality TV, but go off.
  7. These women better be bringing it, because I am officially Team Gerry (although I’d rather he go to a trauma-informed therapist than on a date, TBH).
  8. Time to meet the girlies!
  9. This gold dress is a lot of look. 
  10. Seriously, she looks like an Oscar.
  11. Can I get some info on these women’s skincare regimens? They all look hot as hell.
  12. This woman in teal kind of looks like Callista Gingrich.
  13. Now, how in the living hell is Sandra 75?
  14. And she’s into mindfulness in a swear-y, non-annoying way? She’s got my vote.
  15. The woman who dressed up in a curly wig and walker, only to whip them off and show that she’s actually normatively hot underneath…icon.
  16. Aw, I like how active Leslie is. 
  17. Obsessed with Marina’s gorgeous sari.
  18. Ditto Natascha’s flapper-esque dress.
  19. Flirting over mutual hearing aids? I die.
  20. I love how much these women garden.
  21. Okay, this cheerleader bit is adorable.
  22. I love all these women! Except one blonde one whose name I didn’t catch.
  23. Wait, Bachelor Matt’s MOM is on the show?!?!?!!
  24. Aw, Chippy, don’t be down on yourself, you’re awesome!
  25. Okay, this woman who arrived via motorcycle and shook her hair out of her helmet…marry me, take my money, etc.
  26. Gerry really does look good in a tux.
  27. Met Gala date, anyone? Don’t sleep on this guy, starlets!
  28. One woman made Gerry a calendar of herself, which is certainly one way to go.
  29. Boo, guitar.
  30. Omg, all-contestants-plus-Gerry dance party!
  31. I’m already stressed about who’s going to get the First Impression Rose.
  32. Oh, shit, almost-makeout!
  33. Motorcycle Lady gets the first rose, which I agree with.
  34. Okay, as those of you who regularly watch The Bachelor would know, some of the girlies make it and some of the girlies don’t.
  35. Yay, Sandra!
  36. Double-yay, Marina!
  37. There are a lot of interchangeable blonde women on this show, I have to say.
  38. Okay, that was predictably polite and short on drama (God bless boomers). I unironically can’t wait for the next episode!


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