I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and moral prostitute (a fancy way of saying I slept with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). I’ve had quite a bit of sexual experience over the years, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I learned a thing or two about navigating problems in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sexual questions and provide comprehensive, actionable advice, not just “communicate with your partner” because you already know that. Ask me anything – literally, anything – and I’ll be happy to explain it.
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Dear please explain,
At the end of my summer vacation, I crossed the coast to meet an old friend…I might fall in love with him too? ! We were close in college and I went out, but he didn’t — I don’t think he was fully aware of his sexuality at the time.
After college, we moved to the other side of the country, but stayed on social media Connect. Then, during Covid, we started to talk more on FaceTime…and he came out for me! I was really shocked and then a little curious if anything was going to happen between us. I should also mention that this guy has gotten hotter since our college days. Then he asked me if I wanted to go to California to see him.
Well, this trip is coming up and I’m not sure what to expect or what to do . Should I tell him I like him? My feelings for him are growing, but we both have great jobs in our respective states, I haven’t seen either of us move, and I’m not sure if I want a long distance relationship. But maybe I’m too ahead of my time. It’s also possible that he wouldn’t feel the same way, and I ended up embarrassing things. Help!
— Coastal Smash’
Dear Coastal Crushin’,
tell him how you feel! Of course, it might disappoint you if he doesn’t respond to your feelings — not to mention an awkward break from the trip — but the risk is worth the risk in my opinion. If you see this person every day, and he’s totally immersed in your social circle, you may have more to lose by opening up to him. But since he lives all over the country and you haven’t spoken to him for years before the pandemic, I think it’s worth putting your newly rekindled friendship at risk.
When you see him, do a “mood check” as the kids say. Does he maintain eye contact while thinking about kissing you? Is he trying to stroke you, like a hand on your back or his leg rubbing against yours? Do you two sleep in the same bed?
If he seems to be flirting with you – or you can’t tell – I’ll say something short and sweet like, “Hey, so I’m starting to have a crush on you. In my Before letting my feelings fully take over, I wanted to see if you also felt any romantic feelings for me. (This direct approach means: “If you don’t feel the same, I’ll be fine. We can go back to friendship. place.”)
FYI, if you do your vibe check, he’s certainly not interested – say, he reveals he’s monogamous with the love of his life relationship – then don’t bother admitting your crush. Spend your week in California with your old friends!
But suppose you do Confess your crush: Then you say it. Maybe it turns out you misread the signal and he doesn’t like it; then, you can respond by saying, “I totally understand and am happy to continue to be friends. While romantic rejection can hurt, at least you’ll get your answers. “You’ll be able to get out of the feeling of being stuck in place,” says Kate Ballestery, Ph.D., founder of Psychology Modern Intimacy , when I show her your question.
But if you ask me, he said it’s more likely that he’s starting to have feelings for you as well. After all he came out to you and then invited you around the country He! While platonic friends always visit each other, you’re two single gay men who haven’t seen each other since college, not BFFs planning a trip together. If you get the response you’re hoping for, well, I Just wanted to leave this beach sex guide here.
You’re asking if you’re too far ahead. Yes, you are. Trying to make big life decisions without certain key information— — In this case, whether your friend likes you — is the recipe for an anxiety spiral. Design your future until you have all the relevant building blocks. Who knows? You may learn that he doesn’t just care about you Very romantic and have been thinking about moving to your city for years. I can’t guarantee what any of his answers will be, but I can guarantee that if you don’t talk to that person first, you It won’t be clear.
Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based writer, Speaker and activist, his work focuses on lifestyle, sexuality, culture, and entertainment. He was previously the associate digital editor for OUT Magazine. His work has appeared in Rolling Stone, The Washington Post, Playboy, and more.